In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices