I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
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The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I’m awake but I object,
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.