Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
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I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Terribly Tuesday.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
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WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore