1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
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If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder