Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
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My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.