Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.