mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today