*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
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I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.