My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
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Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning