Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
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starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…