I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
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[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Does beer think about me too?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
#SaturdayBears
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.