I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
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inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT