My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
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The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little