My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
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Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.