Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection