You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
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Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Don’t make me out nice you.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
This kid will have a bright future.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Weirdly Wednesday.