My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.