Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
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People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.