A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.