I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
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[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
calling in to work dehydrated
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Meow?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.