I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.