Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
handsome & gretel
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits