My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Lmaoo 😂
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course