I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
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Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
New tinder profile pic
Travel bloggers during quarantine