Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
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Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
every single time
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?