doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.