No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Chicken bread
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.