Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?