Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
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My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
oh you wanna fight?!
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
That de-escalated quickly
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”