New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.