I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.