[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Risking my life for fun.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME