ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
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Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.