Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Meanwhile in Portland…
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER