I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
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Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people