Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
me logging onto twitter
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB