If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.