Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.