Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
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meanwhile over on facebook
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it