You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I love you…
…r dog.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.