Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something