My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
no such thing as a dumb question
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.