[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
You Might Also Like
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
m’lady
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Sing it!
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.