A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
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You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh