hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Cat.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.