[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Close call…
What
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING