me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
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My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy