“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.