[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
You Might Also Like
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.