How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
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2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
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HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
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I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I鈥檓 up $83.
Blink once if you鈥檙e ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO鈥檚.
If you鈥檙e a tire company you shouldn鈥檛 say you work tirelessly
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
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Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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pfft, what has he ever done for me?
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馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
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Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
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